Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Adventures of Claudia and Haseem

Hello, my little angels! How is everyone doing in #merica? Are you all having barbecues and picnics without me? Gosh, summer makes me TRUUUUUNKY! And this unbearably hot weather makes me miss the good old days at DT pool with family and friends. Ugh. #childhood #nostalgia. Alright. Enough with the #hashtags. I hope you all had a great week! Things are getting crazy over here in my neck of the woods. The Jazz Festival should be starting this month, along with a million other random summer festivities. Here's to praying I won't get transferred out of Montreal next week! Things are just about to get good!

Okay, so this week compy and I had some pretty fantastic adventures. We walked so much that by the end of each day it looked like I had elephantitis. Then again, maybe my swollen feet and ankles are a side effect of Nutella overdosing, but I'm going to just go ahead and claim that it's because I'm walking my fanny off out here, eh? Anyway. Today I'd like to fill you in on a little slice of drama I like to call, "The Forbidden Romance of Claudia and Haseem." (Sorry, I've read waaaay too many romance novels.) This all started about five weeks ago before Sister Foniciello left. One afternoon I get this giddy call from a 70 year old woman who is an eternal less active. On a good day with Claudia she'll sit perched in her bed with pillows and cry, "Show me where to put the needle, Sista Cutlaaaa! I want to die with MERCYYYYY!" And she'll wail and moan and I'll just sit there reading her scriptures to no avail. And that's on a good day. So imagine my surprise when she tells me that all of my prayers are finally working, because, "Ohhhh girlll, God has sent me a new little angelll!" So I took Sister Varela to see my sweet little Claudia the next week. Are you ready for a miracle? In just one week a woman who was completely bed-ridden and on the verge of dying from a crippling disease she calls "the numbness" was suddenly flitting around the house in a new, glossy black wig and bright red lipstick. What do you think of that? Miracles all around! She informed me that a 50 year old man responded to her ad on craigstlist for a caretaker, and he was "the best thing since honky tonk and hillbilly music!" I was DYING to meet said gentleman. So I'm thinking, oh, cute middle aged man that is helping Claudia around the house. Imagine my surprise when in walks a tall, dark, handsome, shy, and mysterious rogue who couldn't possibly be more than thirty. This beautiful, beautiful man's name is Haseem. I was started to get suspicious of Claudia, but I let it go. The next week I go back Claudia is all in a tizzy, giggling and smacking me repeatedly when I walked in, not saying a word but squealing and hanging onto me with delight, pointing to her beloved Haseem. She quickly ushers us into her room and shyly asks, "Girlll, do you find him attractive?" And I'm like, " do you... LIKE Haseem?" And she just sits back cackling and nodding her head "YES" so hard that her wig nearly slipped off. And I'm like, Oh boy. There's a COUGAR in Cote-St-Luc! She's climbin in your windows, snatchin your people up. So hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband. I thought nothing would come of her little crush until the NEXT week I go back and find out that he has been writing her bizarre love letters. Like, seriously? Who IS this guy? He refers to her as his "little hillbilly girl." LOL. Soooo sketch, but I'm thinking, "Hey Claudia deserves to have true love as much as the next 70 year old woman." So imagine my despair when I get an emergency phone call the next week because "the numbness" has taken a hold of her again. Turns out Haseem was leaving her. Emergency, my elephantitis-ridden foot! For the better part of an afternoon we sat there while she cried and dictated her final letter to Haseem, screaming, "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME STOP LOVING YOU, SIR!" Apparently he's leaving her because she's been telling everyone he's schizophrenic, which she claims isn't true but I know for a fact IS true because for the past month she has been telling me that he IS a schizophrenic. And I'm thinking, "Why the heck do you want him to stay with you if you think he's crazy?" Anyway. That's the bizarre love triangle of Sister Cutler and Claudia and Haseem. Ha ha just kidding. I'm merely a spectator. But if he wasn't schizophrenic and in love with a 70 year old woman and if I wasn't a sister missionary, things would be different. ;)

This week was really great! Lots of drama, so I was happy. Perverts still perving, but we're used to it. The best pervert moment of the week:

Pervert: Yooooooo. How you doin, gorgeous?
Me: What do you want?
Pervert: So like, ughhhh... how many husbands do you have? Huh huh huh...
Me: Oh man, like ten.
Pervert: Whoa... like seriously?
Me: No, you idiot. If that's how polygamy worked I would have disbanded to the FLDS church LOOOOONG ago.

Ha ha I crack myself up. But my street smarts are improving! (I hope, anyway.) I hope everyone is doing well though! It sounds like summer is lifting everyone's spirits. We got caught in a torrential down-pour on the way home the other night, which was fantastic. Sister Varela and I ran through the rain singing, "Coming Clean" by Hillary Duff. Good times! I will definitely send pictures. Anyway, I hope you all have a great week! I am loving every single minute out here in this beautiful city! Missions are so fantastic. I wouldn't have it any other way right now! I love you all and miss you even more! Have a glorious week! 



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