Okay, so this week compy and I had some pretty fantastic
adventures. We walked so much that by the end of each day it looked like
I had elephantitis. Then again, maybe my swollen feet and ankles are a
side effect of Nutella overdosing, but I'm going to just go ahead and
claim that it's because I'm walking my fanny off out here, eh? Anyway.
Today I'd like to fill you in on a little slice of drama I like to call,
"The Forbidden Romance of Claudia and Haseem." (Sorry, I've read waaaay
too many romance novels.) This all started about five weeks ago before
Sister Foniciello left. One afternoon I get this giddy call from a 70
year old woman who is an eternal less active. On a good day with Claudia
she'll sit perched in her bed with pillows and cry, "Show me where to
put the needle, Sista Cutlaaaa! I want to die with MERCYYYYY!" And
she'll wail and moan and I'll just sit there reading her scriptures to
no avail. And that's on a good day. So imagine my surprise when she
tells me that all of my prayers are finally working, because, "Ohhhh
girlll, God has sent me a new little angelll!" So I took Sister Varela
to see my sweet little Claudia the next week. Are you ready for a
miracle? In just one week a woman who was completely bed-ridden and on
the verge of dying from a crippling disease she calls "the numbness" was
suddenly flitting around the house in a new, glossy black wig and
bright red lipstick. What do you think of that? Miracles all around! She
informed me that a 50 year old man responded to her ad on craigstlist
for a caretaker, and he was "the best thing since honky tonk and
hillbilly music!" I was DYING to meet said gentleman. So I'm thinking,
oh, cute middle aged man that is helping Claudia around the house.
Imagine my surprise when in walks a tall, dark, handsome, shy, and
mysterious rogue who couldn't possibly be more than thirty. This
beautiful, beautiful man's name is Haseem. I was started to get
suspicious of Claudia, but I let it go. The next week I go back Claudia
is all in a tizzy, giggling and smacking me repeatedly when I walked in,
not saying a word but squealing and hanging onto me with delight,
pointing to her beloved Haseem. She quickly ushers us into her room and
shyly asks, "Girlll, do you find him attractive?" And I'm like,
"Claudia...um... do you... LIKE Haseem?" And she just sits back cackling
and nodding her head "YES" so hard that her wig nearly slipped off. And
I'm like, Oh boy. There's a COUGAR in Cote-St-Luc! She's climbin in
your windows, snatchin your people up. So hide your kids, hide your
wife, and hide your husband. I thought nothing would come of her little
crush until the NEXT week I go back and find out that he has been
writing her bizarre love letters. Like, seriously? Who IS this guy? He
refers to her as his "little hillbilly girl." LOL. Soooo sketch, but I'm
thinking, "Hey Claudia deserves to have true love as much as the next
70 year old woman." So imagine my despair when I get an emergency phone
call the next week because "the numbness" has taken a hold of her again.
Turns out Haseem was leaving her. Emergency, my elephantitis-ridden
foot! For the better part of an afternoon we sat there while she cried
and dictated her final letter to Haseem, screaming, "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO MAKE ME STOP LOVING YOU, SIR!" Apparently he's leaving her because
she's been telling everyone he's schizophrenic, which she claims isn't
true but I know for a fact IS true because for the past month she has
been telling me that he IS a schizophrenic. And I'm thinking, "Why the
heck do you want him to stay with you if you think he's crazy?" Anyway.
That's the bizarre love triangle of Sister Cutler and Claudia and
Haseem. Ha ha just kidding. I'm merely a spectator. But if he wasn't
schizophrenic and in love with a 70 year old woman and if I wasn't a
sister missionary, things would be different. ;)
This week was really great! Lots of drama, so I was
happy. Perverts still perving, but we're used to it. The best pervert
moment of the week:
Pervert: Yooooooo. How you doin, gorgeous?
Me: What do you want?
Pervert: So like, ughhhh... how many husbands do you have? Huh huh huh...
Me: Oh man, like ten.
Pervert: Whoa... like seriously?
Me: No, you idiot. If that's how polygamy worked I would have disbanded to the FLDS church LOOOOONG ago.
Ha
ha I crack myself up. But my street smarts are improving! (I hope,
anyway.) I hope everyone is doing well though! It sounds like summer is
lifting everyone's spirits. We got caught in a torrential down-pour on
the way home the other night, which was fantastic. Sister Varela and I
ran through the rain singing, "Coming Clean" by Hillary Duff. Good
times! I will definitely send pictures. Anyway, I hope you all have a
great week! I am loving every single minute out here in this beautiful
city! Missions are so fantastic. I wouldn't have it any other way right
now! I love you all and miss you even more! Have a glorious week!
Love,
S-Cut
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